12-17-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”

~ Mother Teresa

Whether we are talking about international politics, getting along with neighbors, or interacting with strangers on the street, Mother Teresa’s words hold special meaning.  Spreading love makes the world a better place!

I was recently standing in a very long line to check out, with only one register open.  Several people around were voicing extreme displeasure, while most of us grumbled more quietly.  At that moment, I had a little wake up call, and started saying to myself, “Be love; spread love.”  It took several deep breaths and repetitions of the mantra to shake my frustrations out.  By the time I got to the register, my goal was to do everything I could to make the cashier feel appreciated and hopefully a little happier.  It seemed to work.  She seemed grateful to be appreciated, and smiled as if she felt happier.  Incidentally, I walked out feeling happier too!

I like to think of Christmas as a holiday of love. I don’t want to denounce nor support the Christian aspect of the holiday, but I choose to think of it as a time to be love and spread love, regardless of religion or beliefs. 

Through the holiday season, during times of frustration and times of joy, a lofty goal can be to leave others happier by spreading love.  When we hear a carol, see sparkling lights, smell gingerbread, or even feel crisp winter air, there is love. 

The holiday season is filled with examples of people spreading love and leaving those around them feeling happier.  It is the most philanthropic time of the year.  It is a time of year for singing and playing games.  It is a time of year to unplug and be with family.  It is a time of year of love!  Be love; spread love, and in doing so you will leave those around you happier. 

                                                             Happy Holidays!

                                                                        Mary

12-10-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

                                                                                                   ~ Buddha      

Have you ever lay in bed not able to fall asleep?  I think most of us have, and I when I find myself sleepless I have much running through my mind.  I sometimes think about the past and often planning the future – critique conversations I have had,  reflect on the past, think ahead to all the things I have to do, ponder problems I have to solve, and even worthlessly worry about what lies ahead.  In the times I find myself battling insomnia, I am not in the present.

 To be in the present is to be at peace, to be in the flow, to be one with the moment. 

I am not good at being in the moment.  I am constantly either replaying the past or thinking about what I have to do in the future.  It is a skill that I want to continue to work on because I know that when I can be in the present I can be a better listener, friend, and leader.  I also know that being in the moment is key to happiness.

During the holiday season, most of us have a long to-do list, so while we are doing one thing we are thinking ahead to all the other things we have to do.  All the while around us holiday carols play, children laugh, and fun abounds, which I think sometimes I miss.

Too often I am worrying about my next move instead of savoring the moment.  This weekend I am excited to travel with my mom to watch my sweet and talented niece, Ellie, perform as Clara in the Nutcracker Ballet.  My goal from the airport, the family conversations, and as a proud member in the audience, is to be in the moment – to be present.  I am going to strive not think about all that needs to be done between now and Christmas or to be reflective of the past, but to simply “be”.  Wish me luck, and I wish the same for you this holiday season!

                                                                                     Have a great week!

                                                                                                            Mary

 

12-3-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

"Enjoy the pressure.  Enjoy the stress.  Enjoy being uncomfortable. And don't shy away from it.  Embrace it."                                                                    ~ Gary Woodland 

December is here, which means the joyous holiday season is upon us. 

For many of us, with the joy of the season also comes the stress of the season.  Stress comes in three forms:  positive stress, tolerable stress, and toxic stress.  Positive stress allows us to rise to challenges and experience things that are new and novel.  It is the kind of stress that the quote above describes. 

The main difference between tolerable and toxic stress is how we handle it.  Our emotions provide data for us to help us determine how we can handle our stress.  Once we name it, we can do a better job of addressing our own stress. 

There is much we can do to address our stress, but in a minute, I suggest we practice compassion for ourselves, as well as remembering the number one resiliency factor of positive relationships. 

During the holidays, we focus on how we can do for others, but we need to remember compassion for ourselves and the importance and beauty of positive relationships.

My wish for you is that your negative stress this holiday season can be lessened and that you can embrace the positive stress in order to find joy in the season!

                                                                  Have a great week!

                                                                                        Mary

11-19-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“Home is where you feel at home and are treated well.”

                                                                                       ~ Dalai Lama

Most people I know are big fans of Thanksgiving.  What’s not to love with a holiday that if full of good food and family?  Whether hosting or traveling, for many people Thanksgiving is also synonymous with home. 

Home is a word that is typically associated with warm fuzzy feelings.  As in, “I feel at home here,” or “This place feels homey.”  Institutions like schools take special pride in being a place that feels like home.  A good host strives to make people feel welcome and “at home.”  When we welcome visitors, we often say, “Make yourself at home.” 

When my son visited my apartment for the first time, he described it as “homey,” which to me was the ultimate compliment.  (He didn’t even make fun of my eclectic decorating taste!)  Home feels good!  It feels cozy and safe.  As educators we know that we learn best when we feel comfortable and safe.  Those are also the conditions where we can be ourselves and take care of ourselves physically and emotionally. 

As we look forward to Thanksgiving, a day to be reflective about all things for which we are grateful, my wish for you is that you feel at home wherever you are!

                                                                              Happy Thanksgiving!

                                                                                                   Mary

 

11-12-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“We need to stop just pulling people out of the river.  We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.”

                                                                                     ~ Desmund Tutu

 Perhaps you have heard this quote told as more of a story.  If you enjoy a good story, I am sure you could tell it with a dramatic flair from the perspective of a person dramatically pulling a drowning individual from the water.

The hero runs to the water’s edge and is able to dramatically pull a person from the water.  As he catches his breath, he sees yet another person floundering in the stream, and then another and another.  As a friend runs by, the rescuer, desperate for relief with the cause, yells for help.  When the friend keeps running, there is obvious frustration from the exhausted protagonist, who screams, “Where can you possibly be going that is more important than helping save these poor drowning people?”  Without hesitation, the simple response is, “I am going to find out why they are falling in the river!”

The story/quote is a metaphor for how we approach problem solving in our lives of service.  Specifically, it is model for prevention.  We all want to make the world a better place – we all want to stop people from drowning.  This quote suggests that our efforts can be more effective if we tackle the reason for the problem, instead of just the problem.

As educators thinking about how we can help students, this story is a good reminder to think about root causes for students’ behaviors, instead of just addressing the behaviors.  Sometimes we need to ask students, “What can I do to help you?” or “Is there something going on you want to talk about?”

It also has value when we think of how to address personal challenges.  Instead of simply treating the “symptoms,” we need to look at root causes.  This means asking questions of ourselves in order to get to the “whys” of what is bothering us.  It means taking the time and the effort to get upstream to figure out why the people are falling in!

                                                                              Have a great week!

                                                                                                    Mary

11-5-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flown. How did it get so late so soon?”

                                                                                        ~ Dr. Seuss

 With Daylight Savings Time ending, I am drawn to reflect on the concept of time.  Of course, Daylight Savings Time has nothing to do with time itself, but only how we use it.  Time passes the same whether it is dark or light at X o’clock.  If we had no clocks, time would still pass. 

Although it is fun to think that we will “gain an hour” this weekend, the reality is that time will march on just the same.

And march on it does.  It may sound cliché, but it is also true: that the older we get the faster time seems to go.  Lately, I say that if it is the first day of the month, the month is almost over.  As Dr. Seuss said, “How did it get so late so soon?”

Time is all we have, and ultimately this very moment is all we have.  We can look back on our past or plan for our future, but it is this moment that is slipping by us.  Whether we measure time in years or minutes or days, it passes, and it is our obligation to ourselves to use what time we have wisely and to truly experience each moment.

While I am happy for the “extra hour” this weekend, I am most excited to think about the power of time and to strive to live in the moment more.

                                                                       Have a great week!

                                                                        Mary

 

10-29-2021

                                                                   

                                                                 Mary’s Minute

“Impact is rewarding.  Mattering makes us happy.”

                                                                                           ~ Daniel Gilbert

Mattering matters.  Feeling like we are special to someone else is an important feeling that is linked to mental wellness.  Gordon Flett dedicated an entire book this topic in The Psychology of Mattering: Understanding the Human Need to be Significant.  One of his goals is to raise awareness about the power of mattering so that we can devote more energy to ensuring that people feel like they matter in order to enhance their lives.

Yesterday I had the privilege of attending a virtual conference with 10 students.  One of the speakers talked about the power of mattering, which prompted a discussion among students about what made them feel like they mattered and what made them feel like they didn’t matter. 

The simplicity of the things that made students feel like they mattered, stood out to me.  They said that when a teacher noticed they were down and simply said, “Are you okay?” the student felt connected and that they mattered.  Inversely, they noted that when they felt like an adult knew something was wrong and didn’t say anything, the student felt ignored and unimportant.

Feeling like we matter feels good to all of us, but it is more than that.  While studies show experiencing mattering increases a sense of self-worth and motivation, research also finds it reduces the risk of severe depression and anxiety, and can save lives.  Mattering changes brain activity and produces serotonin.  Mattering truly does matter!

I’ll end this week by reminding you that YOU MATTER (and just for fun for our scientists, unless you multiple yourself twice by the speed of light, and then you are energy.)

                                                                                         Have a great week!

                                                                                                             Mary

10-22-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“Smile, it’s free therapy.”

                                                          ~ Douglas Horton

I have mentioned before about my daughter, Zoe, moving to California to study creative writing.  At 23, she is trying to be independent, so she was determined to find a job to help pay her California rent, while at the same time taking classes and devoting time to writing. 

She considered doing online tutoring, but she decided being in front of a screen too much would be draining emotionally.  Finally, she landed on nannying.  She set up her profile on the Care App (Yip – there’s an app for that!), completed CPR and first aid training, and started interviewing for a position that was the right fit. 

She was excited when she landed a position to care for one small child three days a week.  I worried that with her coursework and just settling into a new town, it might be exhausting for her to be “on” with a baby all day, so after her first day on the job I called to see how she made it.

“How could I not be happy – all I did was laugh and smile all day!” was her reply when I asked if she was tired after a full day of nannying.  The words have stuck with me.  If we just can laugh and smile, how can we not be happy?  Sure, it isn’t always that easy, but the simple act of smiling, provides a physiological change. 

There is scientific research that supports the mind body connection.  The physical act of smiling (even forced) makes us feel happier.  In a University of South Australia study, participants who were “forced” to smile by holding a pen in their teeth, had a more positive outlook than the control group. It supports the adage of “fake it until you make it.”  Another study found the same results with people who had Botox with “forced” smiles, being happier.  The physical act of smiling tricks our brains into thinking we are happy.

In addition, research supports the benefits that smiling has on people around us.

Those of us who work with children have an advantage over most people because working with children often leads to laughing and smiling, so we do not even need to fake it to feel the results of smiling. 

Working with children can be exhausting, but if we smile, how can we not be happy?

                                                        Smile and have a great week!

                                                                            Mary

10-8-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“One way to feel good about yourself is to love yourself... to take care of yourself.”

                                                                               ~ Goldie Hawn

As Fall Break begins, I think it is a good time remind ourselves the importance of self-care.  It is appropriate that “Treat Yo’ Self Day” falls over break.  If you aren’t a Parks and Rec fan you probably didn’t know that October 13^th carried this label – and it exists only because of the show as far as I know.  On Parks and Rec, Donna Meagle (played by Retta) and Tom Haverford (Aziz Ansari) treated themselves across the seasons on October 13 every year.

Treat Yo' Self Day is introduced in Season 4, Episode 4 of Parks and Recreation Season 4. In the episode, Tom describes the day: "Treat. Yo. Self. Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to? Clothes. Treat yourself. Fragrances. Massages. Treat yourself. Mimosas. Fine leather goods...It's the best day of the year."

In our family we have not adopted the day totally, but the phrase sure has caught on!  My children often say it to me if I am hesitating to do something for myself. 

Most people are quicker to treat loved ones, rather than themselves.  I admire generosity and humility.  I also think that it is good for you to treat yourself, remembering the value of self-care and affirming that you are worthy.  Your treat doesn’t need to be a monetary item like Donna and Tom, but I do urge you to remember that you deserve to be treated!  Whether it is on October 13^th or any day you choose, treat yo’ self! 

                                                                       Have a great break!

                                                                                          Mary

10-1-2020

 

“Focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses, on your powers instead of your problems.”                                        

                                                                           – Paul Meyers

I have never been a coach or even played an organized sport, but I have heard coaches talk about the importance of not imagining the negative, but rather focusing on the positive result.  For instance, when shooting a free throw, a player steps to the line, visualizing the ball going through the hoop, not by saying, “Don’t miss it.  Don’t miss it.” 

I do think it is an interesting balance because we also realize that in order to improve, we need to be engaged in meaningful assessment of how we can improve where we are weak. 

This has baffled me with student learning.  If we have a student who is very talented in math, but struggles in reading.  Do we pull him from math class to offer extra help in reading or do we focus on his strength and let him excel in math?  As Einstein said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”  At the same time, we understand that we have an obligation in education and for our own growth to work on our faults and continually improve.  I would like to think that our major focus is on the strengths, and our secondary emphasis is on working on weaknesses. 

In high school, my Bill took what history courses he had to take to meet requirements and get a basic understanding, but social sciences are not his thing.  At Stanford, he is taking 3 or 4 math and physics courses a quarter, along with an occasional creative writing course if he can fit it in, but he is going to skirt through the core requirements without taking a single history course.  His focus is on his strengths and his passions.  Now, I am not proposing that we ditch the notion of a well-rounded education.  Obviously, K-12 students need to explore so they find their passions, as well as developing core skills.  The true excitement in learning and life, though, often occurs when students (and adults) find and follow their strengths.

By focusing on the positive -- both in the moment and in the big picture, we feel better about ourselves, allow ourselves grace, and accomplish so much. 

                                                         Have a great week!

                                                                            Mary

9-24-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“And if you’re ever feeling lonely just look at the moon.  Someone, somewhere, is looking right at it too.”

                                                                                       ~ Anonymous

You may have heard me say before that I love the moon.  Maybe because I remember looking at it with my children, and even singing the Barney song with them as we looked at it.  (“I see the moon and the moon sees me. God bless the moon, and God bless me.”) 

Now that my daughter is an adult, she often sends me pictures of a full moon from wherever she is or will text me with, “Can you see the moon?”  It is comforting to know that we are under the same moon.

The harvest moon was last week, but the weather didn’t cooperate.  I was struggling to see the moon, and at first it was a bit depressing.  Then I had this thought: even when the moon is behind the clouds, it is there.  It is more fun to see a beautiful, bright full moon, but even when we can’t enjoy the site, it is there! 

Metaphorically, we have had our share of cloudy nights.  The moon may not always be visible, but we need to remember that it is there, hidden only by clouds. Bright beauty in so many forms is always there, even when our view of it is blocked. 

And on the nights we can see the moon – on the many days when our students make us smile, we enjoy the sunshine, or one of the many other wonderful things in life – we take it in, and we are grateful!

                                                                               Have a great week!

                                                                                                Mary

9-17-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.”     

                                                   ~ Chris Pine

This was a big week for my daughter, Zoe.  On Wednesday she set out on the 28-hour drive to Riverside, CA with her big brother, who will fly home after getting her settled.        She has been excited about this and preparing logistically and emotionally for quite a while.  For instance, we took her car to the shop for new tires and a tune-up.  We thought we had everything under control!  Well, Saturday – just a few days before she was set to hit the road, the engine blew in her car.  I have to admit it was frustrating, but when Zoe and I both thought about it, we had a long list of things about which to be thankful (that she didn’t break down on the road, that Patton Automotive was so helpful in getting her quickly into a new-to-her car, etc.) 

Yesterday, about half-way into her drive, she said to me that she loved her new vehicle and that each of the last few days it was one of the things she listed when she did her gratitude ritual. 

I try really hard to practice gratitude, and one thing that is on my list at this moment is Zoe for modeling a grateful heart for her old mom.  Today as she was Facetiming me from her new apartment she said, “I couldn’t be any happier.”  Bad things happen, but we can choose our perspective.  Why not choose gratitude; why not choose happy?  For all the sadness, misery, and bad luck in the world, there is so, so much good!  My wish for all of us is that we can see the good.

                                                                                                    Have a great week!

                                                                                                                           Mary

9-10-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.” 

                                                                                                         ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My children and I have developed a tradition over the last ten years or so of celebrating all three of their birthdays, which all fall within 15 days, with a nice dinner out.  “Birthday Dinner” is something we talk about all year, and an evening I love because we are all together. 

Bill and Zoe both are headed to their respective California universities, and Jess at 33 has long been “on his own.” Bill turns 21 this weekend, so in that sense, it feels like they have all reached “adulthood.”

I have always had a keen sense that I was exceedingly fortunate to have my children in my life, but that they were not “mine.”  They have always been very much their own people.  And now as they go off on their own, I feel it even more.  I don’t take for granted the gift of having them in my life through their childhood and now as adults. 

As we have navigated life together, I hope that they have developed roots and wings in order to be happy, kind, and hardworking adults.  They laugh that growing up we had just one rule in our house, and that was to love one another.  I believe that if you love one another, everything else will fall into place.  I didn’t need to make a rule about picking up toys because if you loved one another, you wanted to help keep the house neat.  If you loved one another, you didn’t hit or yell.  Loving one another meant that you were home on time in order to be respectful.  They look back and admit that I was pretty lenient, and I look back and hope that they always felt loved and will carry that love with them into adulthood. 

This weekend as we celebrate Birthday Dinner, I will propose a toast to their roots and wings!  Then we will laugh as they order whatever they want, and say, “Treat yo’ self.”

                                                                                                 To roots and wings!

                                                                                                                   Mary

                        

9-3-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

It doesn’t feel like a coincidence that my mom was born on Labor Day.  Of course, having a baby born on Labor Day conjures up a different meaning for the woman giving birth, but for my mom it is fitting for another reason.  She is the hardest working person you will ever meet.  She doesn’t talk about hard work, and certainly doesn’t complain about it.  For her, work is not drudgery; it is just what she does and what she enjoys.  I often say the phrase, “When you love your job you never work a day in your life,” but when I try to think about my mom and “work” the line is blurred even more. 

Looking back to my childhood, I wonder how she did it all as an elementary teacher and a mother of three (and then four when our sweet Amy arrived), along with whatever adventure she and my dad were up to.  She spent her free time doing projects, like wallpapering a room or bricking a patio.  Many people would consider all of that labor, but not Helen!  It is just what she loved to do.

Now at 81 (almost 82), she spends her days happily moving rocks, planting flowers, and pulling weeds.  Most people call this hard work, but not my mom.

This Labor Day weekend, I am grateful for the model of hard work my mom has provided.  Maybe the greater gift that my mom demonstrates is finding joy in all we do!  I will enjoy some birthday cake with Helen this weekend and be sure to thank her for this gift she has given me.  You can be sure she will have some jobs for me to do, and when you see my reaction to her chores, it will be clear that her positive attitude about work has not completely worn off on me! 

                                                   Have a great long weekend!

                                                                        Mary

8-27-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

“Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”

                                                                       ~ C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

 This week I embarrassed myself and cried in front of people.  They know who they are, and I apologize again!  It just has been one of those weeks where the tears are just under the surface and burst out without notice. 

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.  My kids laugh about me being a crier.  In fact, sometimes they bet with each other about how soon it will take me to cry in certain situations (like them giving me a nostalgic gift or on a special day). 

Although crying in front of people is awkward, I think tears can be a good release of emotion.  Emotions, or at least mine, seem to be at an all-time high.  I like the C.S. Lewis’ advice, though.  Having an expression of emotion is good, but once we stop crying, we still have to go on – we need to get to work, make decisions, and live our best lives.

Tears may flow, but I promise that I can still work hard and do what needs to be done!

                                                              Hang in there, everyone!

                                                                                       Mary

8-20-2021

 

Mary’s Minute

 “Sometimes you make the right decision; sometimes you make the decision right.”

~ Phil McGraw

I would like to add to McGraw’s quote that when we are especially lucky we make the right decisions in the right way!  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could always make the best decision through a process of which we could be proud. 

We all make decisions every day – both large and small decisions.  It seems like during this past year and a half we have been faced with making even more decisions for ourselves and others.

Is it better to make the right decision or to make the decision through the right process?  Being “right” is certainly important, especially with high stakes outcomes and safety.  By making decisions based on the best available data, by working together as a team, by focusing on a shared vision, and by leading with empathy, we can feel that whether the decision was right or wrong, we followed the right process.  I believe that when we make the decision right, we will more often make the right decision.

Also, at the end of the day as we struggle about whether we are making the decisions that are best for ourselves and others, we can be more satisfied if we know that we made the decision by studying facts, working with trusted partners, being goal focused, and being kind and compassionate.  We still will struggle, we still will worry, and we still may cry, but at the end of the day, when we make decisions right, we will feel better about ourselves and more likely make the right decisions.

                                                                                  Peace and love,

                                                                                             Mary